crunchy toast

weird. weird how we deal with death, or rather dont deal with it. my grandpa is gone, but when i think about it i dont really attach any emotion to that. i have his picture taped up on my desk, so i see it every day. i want to say 'it still hasnt really hit me' but i dont think it will. i think that i just dont understand. if i start really thinking about it, yes ill get sad, but i think i make myself do that. i dont know. like i see his picture and thats my grandpa. i dont think about him not being there, i assume he is. but i will never see him again, but that is just ... odd. i dont even knwo how to describe it. just dont understand it. dont believe it. but i really feel like its somethign i will never come to terms with. hes just disapeared. its like vinny, that was nearly a year ago, but i still dont understand it. i see his picture, or think about it, and i dont immediately get sad. i just feel odd.. wonder why i dont see him ever. but it doesnt feel like hes gone. its like he moved far away and we never talk. i had a period of grief, but i stopped greiving not because i figured it out or i understood it or got over it. i was just crying because that was my way of coping with the surprise, but i still dont understand it. i just cant grasp that they are gone.

takes a while to get used to it though. things like 'my grandparents.. i mean grandma.' i cant imagine him not being there. being at their house is like waiting for him to walk into the room. when my grandma on my dads side died i didnt feel alot, and i assumed it was because she was so sick, but now i dont know. the only time i cried was when he was in the hospital, and when i gave my speech at the funeral. but i think i only cried then because of all the emotion and weirdness. and just because i cry.