RETURNS FROM THE DEAD!!! ... or at least hibernation
Sunday, September 25
im not mad at him anymore. i feel sorry for him really. hes really messed up right now. he doesnt even know if he is going to teach
why not? what does he want to do...
said he went to somethign that was supposed to get people ready, help them get placed, and they had like a list of things you shoulda done, things for your resume, and he didnt have any of it. he feels like he cant do it. from what he tells me, cuz i dont really knwo anything about it, hes too old. for his age he would need credentials to teach as a newbie. hes just starting in as a completely new teacher
ah well... he needs to try
i know. im worried about him. hes just like my brother. he was tlaking to me and hes like, i dont even know if im going to be able to teach, i may just end up working at radio shack or something. he like, overreacts. heh, you can tell we are all realated. i dont know if you have seen ethan when he does it, but he freaks out when he thinks he cant do something, and he tends to give up and get angry. sigh. i dunno. i dont know what hes gonna do. im afraid hes kinda giving up. hes the kinda person who is never happy. i mean, he is in small ways, but he isnt confident enough in his choices to really be happy in life. he has doubts, and lets them keep him from being happy
so your family is just a bunch of smart depressed people
heh, i guess. hes been like this for a long time i think. hes always felt badly about making us follow him. not providing for me and ethan, but too late to go back. instead of saying fuck it, he keeps on thinking it. thats what i think. and now hes got the same thing. like, he thinks, ive been doing this for 7 years, im going no where. he told me he feels like his life is over, and he doesnt know what hes doing. i dont like being old enough to be confided in .
he also told me that he doesnt want to do anything to keep me away, like, he knows we will disagree on things, because thats how it works, but he doesnt want us to have the kinda arguemtn where we dont talk for years. he said that there were only a few people in his life that he , i dont remember exactly, like, respected, or thought were really good people. there were his mom, a good freind of his from colorodo, and me. he said that that was part of the reason it was hard for him me being in college, that he had some of the most interesting conversations with me, more than mom or ethan. i almost cried.
i think ive been closer to my dad than my mom for a really long time. i dont remember when it switched. i was closer to my mom when i was little. i think its a pretty normal thing
so what happened
im not sure, but like, i almost never just talk to my mom, and id just rather be around my dad. maybe cuz i spent more time with him. or just that we have closer personalities
little girls and dads...
daddy's little princess.
why not? what does he want to do...
said he went to somethign that was supposed to get people ready, help them get placed, and they had like a list of things you shoulda done, things for your resume, and he didnt have any of it. he feels like he cant do it. from what he tells me, cuz i dont really knwo anything about it, hes too old. for his age he would need credentials to teach as a newbie. hes just starting in as a completely new teacher
ah well... he needs to try
i know. im worried about him. hes just like my brother. he was tlaking to me and hes like, i dont even know if im going to be able to teach, i may just end up working at radio shack or something. he like, overreacts. heh, you can tell we are all realated. i dont know if you have seen ethan when he does it, but he freaks out when he thinks he cant do something, and he tends to give up and get angry. sigh. i dunno. i dont know what hes gonna do. im afraid hes kinda giving up. hes the kinda person who is never happy. i mean, he is in small ways, but he isnt confident enough in his choices to really be happy in life. he has doubts, and lets them keep him from being happy
so your family is just a bunch of smart depressed people
heh, i guess. hes been like this for a long time i think. hes always felt badly about making us follow him. not providing for me and ethan, but too late to go back. instead of saying fuck it, he keeps on thinking it. thats what i think. and now hes got the same thing. like, he thinks, ive been doing this for 7 years, im going no where. he told me he feels like his life is over, and he doesnt know what hes doing. i dont like being old enough to be confided in .
he also told me that he doesnt want to do anything to keep me away, like, he knows we will disagree on things, because thats how it works, but he doesnt want us to have the kinda arguemtn where we dont talk for years. he said that there were only a few people in his life that he , i dont remember exactly, like, respected, or thought were really good people. there were his mom, a good freind of his from colorodo, and me. he said that that was part of the reason it was hard for him me being in college, that he had some of the most interesting conversations with me, more than mom or ethan. i almost cried.
i think ive been closer to my dad than my mom for a really long time. i dont remember when it switched. i was closer to my mom when i was little. i think its a pretty normal thing
so what happened
im not sure, but like, i almost never just talk to my mom, and id just rather be around my dad. maybe cuz i spent more time with him. or just that we have closer personalities
little girls and dads...
daddy's little princess.
Saturday, September 24
i pierced my ears again last sunday (the 18th, i need to remember that), and they are tender. i dont like to sleep on the left side; its my third piercing and it hurts more than the other one, which was just reopening my second hole. rar. i think i can fit a fourth on the left side... :D
went to my first UT party last night. :P it was fun, but the odd thing was i only drank before we went, not during. i had to drive home at 1, so i wanted to make sure i was completely sober by thing. it made me a little sad not being able to drink, but it was fun anyways, i got to see a game of beer-pong, which jonathan kicked ass at despite the fact that he was fucking drunk. hehe, i was proud of him. it was a pretty fun night, though of course it sucked i had to leave early, it sucked i couldnt drink much, and it was sad knowing that afshan got to go back and have fun after i left. siigh. but, im just moping. i did enjoy myself.
need to go get a debit card. hell yes i have been waiting for so long to get one. ...then again, the whole reason i wanted one so bad was so i could get gas easier, but... i dont really drive anymore. so that is kinda pointless. speaking of which, i need to get my drivers license renewed sometime.
i want to buy another pair of jeans, so i can have two. cuz i dont wear my guy jeans anymore really. two would be a good number. but i dont think i will yet, cuz ive spent an awful lot so far. hopefully thats just like, getting moved in, gettting the basics, and i wont continue spending this much. >_< or maybe i just need to stop shopping with eva, she gets more food than i think i would, and i have to help her pay, or id feel bad. siigh.
went to my first UT party last night. :P it was fun, but the odd thing was i only drank before we went, not during. i had to drive home at 1, so i wanted to make sure i was completely sober by thing. it made me a little sad not being able to drink, but it was fun anyways, i got to see a game of beer-pong, which jonathan kicked ass at despite the fact that he was fucking drunk. hehe, i was proud of him. it was a pretty fun night, though of course it sucked i had to leave early, it sucked i couldnt drink much, and it was sad knowing that afshan got to go back and have fun after i left. siigh. but, im just moping. i did enjoy myself.
need to go get a debit card. hell yes i have been waiting for so long to get one. ...then again, the whole reason i wanted one so bad was so i could get gas easier, but... i dont really drive anymore. so that is kinda pointless. speaking of which, i need to get my drivers license renewed sometime.
i want to buy another pair of jeans, so i can have two. cuz i dont wear my guy jeans anymore really. two would be a good number. but i dont think i will yet, cuz ive spent an awful lot so far. hopefully thats just like, getting moved in, gettting the basics, and i wont continue spending this much. >_< or maybe i just need to stop shopping with eva, she gets more food than i think i would, and i have to help her pay, or id feel bad. siigh.
Thursday, September 22
arrrg i hate not being able to get ahold of someone when you really really need to. >_< today mostly everything that could go wrong with me trying to get to austin did. oh well, at least theirs no school tomorrow... but i guess thats not something to be too happy about as its because of a hurricane...
afshan came up last weekend which was fun. friday night we wandered around campus till we found someone looking for a party and followed them around. :) we found the apartment, and went up, but when we knocked there was no answer, so we opened the door. it was the quietest party i had ever seen. with invisible people. eventually we found the apartment party that was actually happening. ... in the apartments across the street. and got vodka! i love vodka. :) it makes me warm and happy inside. its a good thing afshans there to make me stop. and to keep me from acting like a complete idiot on the way back to the dorm... we passed three police officers, and even though i knew that was bad i didnt care so, thank you afshan. :)
i ended up sleeping in spencers bed last night, which was okay, because he has lotsa pillows. eva, laura and i were in spencer and alonzos room watching donnie darko late last night, and when it was done spence, eva, and hanna (who showed up) went to have a cigarette break, so i just dozed off on the bed expecting them to like... come back. but they didnt (or at least spencer didnt, eva said she did but i was too cute to wake up so she left me). i woke up at 8:30 when spencers phone alarm went off, but by then it was kinda pointless to leave, so i just slept an hour till our fys met, since we were meeting in the dorm today.
alonzo is such a nice guy. :) he snapped at meggie the other day, and i was like, 'alonzo! i dont believe it, i dont think ive ever heard you say something that mean before.' ten minutes later he started apologizing, and wouldnt stop even when meggie said it was alright. hes gentlemanly. a caballero!! hahahhahah. go me.
im thinking im in the mood for a lakehouse party this weekend... ill hafta call spence.
afshan came up last weekend which was fun. friday night we wandered around campus till we found someone looking for a party and followed them around. :) we found the apartment, and went up, but when we knocked there was no answer, so we opened the door. it was the quietest party i had ever seen. with invisible people. eventually we found the apartment party that was actually happening. ... in the apartments across the street. and got vodka! i love vodka. :) it makes me warm and happy inside. its a good thing afshans there to make me stop. and to keep me from acting like a complete idiot on the way back to the dorm... we passed three police officers, and even though i knew that was bad i didnt care so, thank you afshan. :)
i ended up sleeping in spencers bed last night, which was okay, because he has lotsa pillows. eva, laura and i were in spencer and alonzos room watching donnie darko late last night, and when it was done spence, eva, and hanna (who showed up) went to have a cigarette break, so i just dozed off on the bed expecting them to like... come back. but they didnt (or at least spencer didnt, eva said she did but i was too cute to wake up so she left me). i woke up at 8:30 when spencers phone alarm went off, but by then it was kinda pointless to leave, so i just slept an hour till our fys met, since we were meeting in the dorm today.
alonzo is such a nice guy. :) he snapped at meggie the other day, and i was like, 'alonzo! i dont believe it, i dont think ive ever heard you say something that mean before.' ten minutes later he started apologizing, and wouldnt stop even when meggie said it was alright. hes gentlemanly. a caballero!! hahahhahah. go me.
im thinking im in the mood for a lakehouse party this weekend... ill hafta call spence.
Friday, September 16
i can still see the burn. its just little red stripes that are tender. :-/ oops. we made a blackberry pie last night. it was AWESOME. yummmy. i had some for breakfast, and oh man it was good. spencer said if we made another pie and shared, he would make eva and me breakfast. but i dont like eggs, and im pretty sure he makes eggs.
moo.
moo.
Thursday, September 15
i accedentally gave mysefl a minor chemcial burn today. >_< and i didnt even spill it, it was out of pure stoopid. i got oil paint on my favoiree jeans, BLACK oil paint. and i kinda freaked out, and used some paint thinner to get it out... i didnt pour it on myself or anything! i just put it on a cloth and rubbed at my pants. i also used soap... anywho, 30 minutes later i noticed the spot under the wet part of my pants kinda stung. or rather, burned. so as soon as i got out of art i changed pants. and i had a little bit of a red spot. but i did get the stain out... so it was worth it.
Monday, September 12
im gonna try to do this whole regular posting thingy... hehe. i manage it sometimes, but its usually in spurts. :D spurts. heh.
my dr. pepper is flat. god that pisses me off. i just dont drink soda fast enough, and it gets flat and thats sad. cuz then i hafta throw it away cuz its nasty. if i could buy soda that didnt get flat i would pay alot of money for it. ... not really. im too cheap. but i would look at it and want it.
i got a keychain today. its a little plastic cow. i love it. :) cows are great. they are big and fuzzy and they eat grass and they taste good. specially in steaks. i like my little pink cow. i have a picture of a cow on one of my old calc tests. ill have to find it and scan it, cuz i liked it alot. i drew a cow instead of takign my test. hehe. eva and i got matching 'roommate' necklaces. they are monkeys. do you remember those little figurines that are like less than an inch tall, and they are like hard plastic or something, but they are fuzzy? kinda velvety. its one of those but on a necklace. monkeys are fun.
murr. i kinda want to dye my hair. but i will resist. i swore id wait for at the very very least a year, though i should probably make it two. but once its all grown out natural i decided i can get highlights. so i guess thats something to look forwards to.
my dr. pepper is flat. god that pisses me off. i just dont drink soda fast enough, and it gets flat and thats sad. cuz then i hafta throw it away cuz its nasty. if i could buy soda that didnt get flat i would pay alot of money for it. ... not really. im too cheap. but i would look at it and want it.
i got a keychain today. its a little plastic cow. i love it. :) cows are great. they are big and fuzzy and they eat grass and they taste good. specially in steaks. i like my little pink cow. i have a picture of a cow on one of my old calc tests. ill have to find it and scan it, cuz i liked it alot. i drew a cow instead of takign my test. hehe. eva and i got matching 'roommate' necklaces. they are monkeys. do you remember those little figurines that are like less than an inch tall, and they are like hard plastic or something, but they are fuzzy? kinda velvety. its one of those but on a necklace. monkeys are fun.
murr. i kinda want to dye my hair. but i will resist. i swore id wait for at the very very least a year, though i should probably make it two. but once its all grown out natural i decided i can get highlights. so i guess thats something to look forwards to.
Sunday, September 11
i guess maybe i should reconize that it is september 11. i dunno, i mean... it was a tragedy, yes. but isnt part of the healing process forgetting? or not nescessarliy forgetting, but letting things be the past. if you keep on digging it up, it almost feels better at first, but it keeps on going instead of fading. you can still remember, but let them fade a little. siigh. the sad thing is its not real to me. i saw the hole, but i dont honestly care. that sounds terrible, but i just dont believe in it i guess. it doesnt seem real. more like a movie i saw onetime that made me sad.
i remember when it happened freshman year. my dad and i were driving to school and we heard something on the radio, but we thought it was like a small plain, like a one man thing that ran into it. then in bio first period someone turned on the tv, and we saw the tower all smoking. we just watched the news the whole class and towards the end we saw the second plane, then them collapse. we didnt have much class, mostly our teachers let us do whatever and turned on the news. cept for mr. risinger. he still lectured us, but hes always been a prick. :)
i dont know.
i remember when it happened freshman year. my dad and i were driving to school and we heard something on the radio, but we thought it was like a small plain, like a one man thing that ran into it. then in bio first period someone turned on the tv, and we saw the tower all smoking. we just watched the news the whole class and towards the end we saw the second plane, then them collapse. we didnt have much class, mostly our teachers let us do whatever and turned on the news. cept for mr. risinger. he still lectured us, but hes always been a prick. :)
i dont know.
so i guess a big post is due. im officially 18! though i need to get my drivers license renewed... went to kerrville for my bday. well, sorta, cuz as we were driving down friday it was raining cats and dogs so afshan and i ended up staying with evas family. so really i was at evas house on my birthday. but, SATURDAY i partied. :) hippy style. watched so music, got some food, then went down to the campfire, where lots of guitar players, and one harmonica, gathered. listened to music, drank alota rum. then wandered around fires a bit. :) lotsa fun stuff. i got a cool hat cuz i fell in love with turners and i decided the only way to not steal his was to buy my own. i have an unhealthy love for booze.
the dorm mates were really sweet about my birthday. i stayed up late thursday night, and round 12 o'clock a bunch of them came over and wished me happy birthday. :) then on friday when i got back from class i found a card (pop up darth vader! with all their signatures and stuff ^_^) and a cake made up of cupcakes. it made me all warm and fuzzy inside, like i swallowed a kitten. :)
i was sad when i remembered that i actually have to try in college... theres that whole stupid 'keep your gpa up to keep your scholarship' thing. >_<
im getting more excited about art, specially painting, but drawing too. i sometimes dont like drawing on my own, cuz i feel like im not that good, or it doesnt look the way i want it, but in the classes i was surprised how much it helps to have instruction. im really feeling good about the still life painting we are doing now. :)
we got posters finally! thought the posters are accompanied by frustration, because yet again, i havent really spent my money wisely. i bought a hot johnny depp picture online, then found it cheaper at the poster sale, tried to push back the angry ness of wasted money and bought two posters, a 30th anniversary rush poster and that pink floyd one with the girls backs painted like their albums. cooool. :) i was very happy. then the next day i saw a sign for 'buy one get second free'. so that kinda pissed me off agian. but mostly im happy to have wall art. they were so blank! the panoramic first year picture of us in the shape of su came in, and i tried to tape it to the wall, but its not sticking. :( ill have to try something else.
i dont think i am ever taking another bio course after this one. i hope its enough to satisfy the requirements. i think ill go for an art or english major. or something that involves no math or science. its icky.
the dorm mates were really sweet about my birthday. i stayed up late thursday night, and round 12 o'clock a bunch of them came over and wished me happy birthday. :) then on friday when i got back from class i found a card (pop up darth vader! with all their signatures and stuff ^_^) and a cake made up of cupcakes. it made me all warm and fuzzy inside, like i swallowed a kitten. :)
i was sad when i remembered that i actually have to try in college... theres that whole stupid 'keep your gpa up to keep your scholarship' thing. >_<
im getting more excited about art, specially painting, but drawing too. i sometimes dont like drawing on my own, cuz i feel like im not that good, or it doesnt look the way i want it, but in the classes i was surprised how much it helps to have instruction. im really feeling good about the still life painting we are doing now. :)
we got posters finally! thought the posters are accompanied by frustration, because yet again, i havent really spent my money wisely. i bought a hot johnny depp picture online, then found it cheaper at the poster sale, tried to push back the angry ness of wasted money and bought two posters, a 30th anniversary rush poster and that pink floyd one with the girls backs painted like their albums. cooool. :) i was very happy. then the next day i saw a sign for 'buy one get second free'. so that kinda pissed me off agian. but mostly im happy to have wall art. they were so blank! the panoramic first year picture of us in the shape of su came in, and i tried to tape it to the wall, but its not sticking. :( ill have to try something else.
i dont think i am ever taking another bio course after this one. i hope its enough to satisfy the requirements. i think ill go for an art or english major. or something that involves no math or science. its icky.
