crunchy toast

i wish i was more brave. or had more self esteem or was less shy or something. i dont know. i hate that feeling where i want to do something, i really do, but i just cant bring myself to do it. im terrified for no particular reason, i tell myself that people dont care taht much about me, they wont remember me, they dont care, and i still just cant do it. or wont. i dont even know. its retarded. gaaah. even when im freaking drunk. im amazingly self conscious. fuckin hell. i dont know.

my mom takes meds for depression, and im pretty damn sure my dad is depressed, though hes not on anything. i think my mom said she was making him go to therapy, but hell, is all that shit genetic? how do you even know if you have depression. is it when you are always sad? or when you get really really sad, or what. how am i supposed to tell. i think i have mood swings. and i cry at anything. i can go from happy to pissed or crying in no time at all. maybe i should talk to my mom, but i dont really want to. she crys easily too. even though shes on meds. she said that it takes away the worst of the lows, but also the best of the highs. i cant even control myself sometimes. like when i cry (which could be at anything at all, angry,sadfrustratedhappy) i cant make myself stop! i think to myself, im being unreasonable, i need to calm down, this is retarded, stop it. but i cant. it takes me forever to calm down, and i can only calm down if im by myself, cuz even someone being nice to me keeps me crying. and after ive cried once for the next half hour at least ill start again if i get worked up even a little about anything. shit. i dont know.

i wish i was brave enough to do something really crazy. when im driving home on mopac from afshans, i wish i could just keep on driving. just go somewhere. or not even go anywhere, just drive until i couldnt. i have money for a little bit. that doesnt even matter. i hate how i always have these urges, and i think about how it would be, but even while im fantasizing i know that i would never do that. i hate that feeling of KNOWING that i wouldnt. and i want to. i just want to drive. and knowing makes me want to even more but i know.

so im thinking that maybe i like piercing my ears too much :P i realized that yes, i am excited that my ears arnt hurting so much and that i can sleep on my cartilage one, but its not just because they dont hurt, but because that means i can get more :P ive decided i want to get at least three more, but im going to try to spread them out at least a little. im gonna get another cartilage in my left ear (that would make three lobe and two cartilage) and another lobe in my right if i can fit it and a cartilage (four lobe and one cartilage). :D im excited. i dont know when ill do em though. i figure i should try to let my ears heal up pretty well before i do crap. so im thinking maybe over xmas break ill get the 4th lobe and 1st cartilage in my right, then later, maybe not even till the summer do the second cartilage in the left. wheee ill have 10 then :D

kant is icky. especially when im trying to understand him enough to write a paper about his crap. pooface assmonkey.

wyclef was pretty cool last night, not exactly my type of music, but it was a really fun concert so it didnt particularly matter :) ive never really been to this kinda concert, where they have a dj and wyclef just jumped around from song to song constantly w/o finishing them, i didnt even know which songs were his and which he was just sampling. :P but it was fun, mostly i liked that he really involved the audience alot. he had some girls get up on stage and shake it, and some guys later, and at the end he let this one guy come up and play the guitar while he sang. it was pretty awesome :) and he played the guitar, which suprised me. he said thats why hes cooler than 50 cent and J-Z :P eamon got to choffure wyclef around, so he was constantly babbling about how he bought wyclef weed, and how wyclef sat in his car, and he got to see wyclef's bus :P it made me laugh.

after wyclef we went and watched some oz w/ eamons roomie who made us delicious pizza roll things :D and i got a present! eamon gave me a watch he found in his couch, which is actually pretty nice. im gonna try wearing it for a bit. its one of those ones that is analouge, but has a little digital readout at the bottem :P wheee digital.

ate lunch w/ pug today and talked about allergy meds and halo :P he reoccomended something to me... but i already forgot :/ i should probably ask him. yay medicine. and he told me the guys at bungie play slayer every wed and put up stuff about the battles, and this week they played on halo 3!! they didnt show any pictures or tell any details of course, but they hinted at new weapons which is exciting. do de do.

poo racquetball. or pickleball actually. eh, pickleball is fun. whatever.

ps, except its not cuz its at the beginning, but i really dont care. this is a really long post. :P i know that. i just felt like talking about every single band i saw which was alot. :D so feel free to not read it, if you want skip to the blue ones, those are the best bands of the day. or i dont know. whatever. i dont care.

my acl review :)
(basically, it was hot. and fun. and thirsty, and hungry and humid and tired and awesome and music yay. the stupid security guys took our chips. and let us in with waterbottles, but then made us throw one away the next day. my feet hurt. i was dirty dirty dirty. we tried not to buy food because it was freaking expensive. yay for free tap water. wheeee)

day one: hottttt and tiring. sun sun sun all day i couldnt freaking wait for it to leave
-ted leo + the pharmacists: we only caught the last few songs of these guys, but i liked them. the thing is i dont really remember what they sounded like so i need to download some so i can remember :P but good. i remember that much.
-mishka: saw two of lannys friends here, hell if i remember their names :P was a pretty good reggie band w/ a white singer, but apparently he was really from jamaica so it was okay.
-guster: umm this is like the first one... i know i liked them. :D hehe too many bands
-wolf parade: i know i got bored of these guys. so i guess they dont really matter
-nickel creek: yayy! we didnt stay too long cuz i didnt want afshan to get too bored, but i was happy to see them. the girl on the violin is really good, and the singer guy was really unkempt looking :) but thats okay. they didnt play smoothie song which made me sad.
-gnarls barkley: i went to go check them out, even though after listening to eamons brothers cd i didnt like em all that much. it was pretty much the same. didnt like em all that much and it was way too much effort to get in and out. and i got stickers all in my feet. i think i hate them now. stupid barkley making me get stickers. god dammit.
-del castillo:best show of the day!! just awesome. :) afshan had gone there while i went to check out gnarls, so we ended up at the stage, and this one didnt have the barrier so we were literally at the stage. my elbows got sore from resting on them. i was tempted to reach out and touch the singers boots but i didnt want him to get mad at me :P but it was cool, they have an amazing stage presence. he dances alot (it looked like flaminco, stamped his feet alot) and threw his vest into the crowd and harmonica and sweat towels. :P it was awesome, and afshan and i got to shake the main guitarists hand!!! it was cool, i mean id love to shake the singers hand but really, hes just good and has good presence, but the guitarist, damn he is amazing. so it was all good :) very good show.
-los lonely boys: they were good, but we had already seen del castillo, so it was kinda a second best.
-van morrison: eh, it was alright. i didnt actually have any idea what he sounded like, even though i knew his name, and i was honestly a little bored with him, plus we couldnt get very close so it wasnt even very entertaining.

day two: wonderfully overcast, still humid, but yay clouds!
-murder by death: i liked it quite a bit, my favorite part was the electric cello, i plan on downloading some soon :)
-i love you but ive chosen darkness: i was really hoping that their name was just a joke, but i really dont think it was :( too slow, and electronic, and squishy for me. the guy sang with his mouth all shoved up against the mike so you couldnt understand what he was saying. not really my thing, which was kinda lame cuz we camped out after murder by death so we were right up at the very front. bit of a waste :P
-ghostland observatory: awesome! haha, like really great. they were crazy, its just two guys, and one has braided pigtails and girl shirt (pink) and girl pants, and the guy on the keyboard had this huge big blue cape. it was great. :) and i liked their music :D link to pic
-ben kweller: he was alright, but not really my thing. however he was pretty funny, he had a nasty nosebleed and kept on making jokes about it. i think he eventually did try to shove a tampon up it :P but we left before that
-nada surf: pretty good, i had only ever heard popular (which they did eventually play), and most of their other songs were pretty different, but fairly good. we had camped out so we were right up by the front again which was cool.
-tv on the radio: i decided to catch this one cuz its the cd i bought wes for his bday and he said i should see them, we only caught a few songs but i liked their stuff. im definately gonna download some :)
-Los lobos: good, but i didnt think they were all that interesting. i just wasnt in the mood for that kinda music i guess.
-the shins: we went by, and i just ended up laying down and taking a nap, so i dont exactly remember what their music was like, other than it was kinda soothing and made a nice background for a nap :P
-aimee mann: girl and her guitar type thing, i mostly liked it when she was harmonizing w/ the guy. we saw jonathan and listened for a while, then we left cuz it wasnt afshans thing really
-calexico: this one was pretty fun. i dont even know exactly how to describe it, but very upbeat and good to dance to. if i danced at all :P i learned a new instrument, a melodica which is kinda like an accordian, but instead of pumping stuff you blow into a tube and play the little keyboard.
-string cheese incident: we tried to camp out but we got there later than we planned, so we didnt get all that close, i liked these guys alot. another download for sure, and so much fun to dance/hop around too :) kinda bluegrass-ish or something i dont even know. but there was a guy with a cow suit, and that was awesome.
-willie nelson: so our big plan was to listen to sci, then as soon as they were done go forwards and camp out for willie, but apparently a bunch of other ppl had the same idea :P so we did manage to get up pretty damn close, but it was really crowded. luckily it loosened up after the actual music started. it was cool getting to see an austin legend and stuff, but i have to be honest, its really not my kinda music. i mean i can listen to it in concert, and i did, for 45 minutes, but i couldnt take much more than that so i left afshan there to go to the closing band. he had fun with the people we met while crammed in before the show, some guys from missouri or something who had come down basically for this. they gave us tips on sneaking in booze and various other illegal substances :P
-massive attack: best show of the day, i was really glad i left willie when i did, cuz i loved massive attack. it was more of the kind of music that was really fun to listen to in concert, cuz they put on a good show and had lights and it was more dance stuff than listen to in my dorm. but i dont know. i liked it alot. they had alot of more chill stuff, but they had some harder songs too. afshan got there about the second to last song which was really chill, but luckily their last was pretty hard, the most so of anything at acl except for maybe muse, so we got to rock out a little :)

day three: still overcast, but since i rained in the morning it was ridiculously humid.
-husky rescue: interesting band from finland i think, very laid back, funny looking guys and a hot lead singer girl who the guys spent the whole time ogling. of course i didnt, not at all :P i liked the music, but im glad the set wasnt longer than it was cuz i got tired of it by the end. good chill music though.
-damian "jr. gong" marley: eh, more reggie. that was basically my feeling. they were good, the guy was good, the backups were good (and they could dance) and there was this guy whos whole job was to wave a flag around the whole time. i just get tired of reggie after a while. but they were very good, and i did enjoy them.
-jose gonzalez: again, nice napping music. :) we decided to go eat something, so we missed matisyahu and most of ween, but we did hear the last little bit.
-the new pornographers: eh, i didnt like these guys much, and neither did afshan, but we were camping out for muse, so we didnt have much of a choice :) they did have a melodica which was fun. :)
-MUSE: well, theirs not much i can say :P best show of the day definitely, partly because they were awesome, and partly cuz i wanted to see them so damn bad. :) so the whole camping out plan woulda worked great except, like with willie, half the ppl there had the same idea. so the second tnp set was over we rushed forwards. we managed to shove in pretty close, and over the course of waiting i got about two people away from the railing. we sat down for a while which was fun since people were so shoved in they could hardly move, and some people were still pushing in from the back, but a nice guy made sure they didnt fall all over me and this other girl. it was pretty crazy just cuz the rest of acl had been so laid back, the music and the crowds, adn this was so crazy. but very very awesome. when the music started and everything went nuts afshan got up to me which was good because with all the shoving and crap its good to have someone you KNOW behind you. as it was i had to hold onto the girl in front of me so i could jump up and down :P but awwwwwesome. the only thing that sucked, and it sucked hardcore, was that the set was only 45 min long. they said it was cuz tom petty was playing, but they were scheduled for a full hour, so i was kinda pissed. but not a whole lot cuz it rocked. i was freaking soaked with sweat by the end, literaly. my shirt was wet everywhere. it was gross :P
-tom freaking petty: close second for best show, just because it was TOM PETTY. :) awesome to get to see him, even though it started raining just after he started (fun in the rain) and he had to stop for 30 min cuz of equipment (not fun) but then it rocked after. :) he played some new stuff but ended with a bunch of classics so it was pretty much awesome. the entire freaking festival was there i swear :P none of the other closers had that many people even though they were the only ones playing. but i mean, whod expect anything different? its tom petty. :) there were people sitting on top of the portipotties just so they could get a view.


oh geez. this is a massive post. i apologize. but i wont cut it :P

mhhhmmmmeh. i was thinking i should post cuz i havent done it in a while. :/ i dunno. i now dont particularly feel like it. rarg.

went to wes's b-day party last friday which was quite fun. i met some freshman and watched afshan beat wes at guitar hero :P i tried to play for like three seconds then realized that even if i wasnt drunk id suck. and drunk i couldnt even hit the buttons :P im lame like that. went to the cove to get some sobe, and as usual i was nervous as hell, kept on thinking people were watching me and knew i was drunk. then i went and talked to hannah and eva and them and they did know i was drunk. :/ sobe is yum. grah.

my eyes are sticky, but i think i will read some anyways.

the ceramics are going better, im making some alright mugs, but i still need to go back and make a good cylinder. i feel like this is gonna take freaking forever to get really good at. and dont even get me started on racquetball (i totally learned how to spell that too) i suppose i am getting better, but really really slowly. so practicing those two has been taking up what should be my free time on tuesdays and thursdays :( sadness.

hm. watching oz season six w/ eamon, kareem said just died, at least we think he did. eamon got pretty broken up about it and kicked me out :P maybe hes not dead, we will see.

i feel lazy. lazy in everything.

whee i love my tablet. it is much much happiness to me :D i have been experimenting a bit, and im starting to get a hang of it. so i figure ill just practice alot, and by practice i mostly mean doodle. :D i doodled tonight --> but i want to keep on working on my tortoises picture. maybe tomorrow. i gots other shit to do too. so we will see.

well, so im 19 :P good things and bad things. i had a nice party on saturday at hamids house, kinda joint afshans-bday-was-last-week-and-he-didnt-do-anything and my bday party ^_^ swimming, food, cake, etc. afshan got me a avp toy (the one where the alien has the predator stabbed on his tail and is lifting him up all badass) and a one day ticket to acl. grah. and fireworks in a victoria secret bag from aaron/kendall. so taht was good and all, but then yesterday i realized i couldnt find my ticket and was freaking out, so afshan looked with his stuff, then realized he didnt have his gift card my parents give him, his wallet was cleaned out of cash, and his freaking 3-day acl pass was gone too. someone freaking jacked us at our birthday party! i can deal with no acl, but it was a small party, with like 12 people we invited. someone there had to do it. maybe mitras friend coulda, but if not that leaves my friends who i trust and afshans friends that he has practically grown up with, one of which sold him his 3-day in the first place. >_< i just dont know what to think.

blaaah. got a little drunk at the dogsitting house after courtesy of matthews beer (ew ew ew) and the dog sitters' liquor collection :P watched a few movies, la de da. so yeah. not feeling so happy happy right now, cuz i keep on obsessing over that.

on better terms, i got my tablet!!! wheeeee its awesome. :) ive only just started drawing and stuff (mostly because of stupid homework) but i plan to play alot :D im excited. bad side, im now paranoid, and i am terrified someone will steal it. actually i guess its good side, cuz i should have been paranoid about that in the first place, but never was, and now i am cuz of this crap. so i guess thats one upside. i was naive enough to trust that no one would steal from me at my birthday and look how that turned out. ive learned my lesson. tablet stays hidden.

sigh. i also forgot my wallet, so if dad isnt coming in tomorrow, im not going to have my id for lunch or dinner... but i really dont want to go through the trouble to get a temp for only two meals, so i think im just going to survive off oatmeal and shit if i cant get it back tomorrow.